Below are the 11 most recent journal entries recorded in stardustflare's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, March 8th, 2005
11:01 am	An "I'm Thankful" entry [/oscar speech-esque] I really wanted to write down how I felt at that time (around the end of January). I'm so thankful to God for every gift He's given me. I'm the most thankful for having my family alive and healthy and not too far away from me (well, excluding my sister). And I'm thankful for my friends. I love them and I want to try and be there for them always. I hope I'll always remember that line from the Bible, "A friend loves at all times." I really enjoy my job right now. It's nice to not be broke. I appreciate my job even more, since it's only temporary. I'm still healthy and I have enough money to buy my pills each month. I want to enjoy every minute I have with my family and friends (since my friend's and I'll probably go our separate ways eventually). Right now I live in a building with 2 of my closest friends, and we have a couple of acquaintances here too. I can't see such a convenient situation ever coming up again, so I'm going to enjoy it as much as I can right now. Thanks for everything, God. Current Mood: peaceful (Comment on this)
10:22 am	Little things I don't want to forget. There's a few things that I haven't had a chance to write down yet. 1. At the beginning of December, Cookie and I went to see her friend Jihan in Mississauga. Jihan has the cutest little baby boy, Ahmed. ^_^ I developed a real soft spot for this kid. Cookie and I were playing with Ahmed for a while. We slid Cookie's unwrapped gift around on the carpet, and then we'd slide it over to Ahmed; he usually was able to "catch" it. He was SO cute! He was crawling around the room and the bed. At one point, he was peeking @ both of us from around the closet wall, smiling that crooked smile of his. The cutest thing was when Jihan, Cookie, Ahmed and I got in the car to go to the mall. I think Jihan had to run back to the hotel room to get something... either way, she left us for a bit. I was in the front seat, talking to Ahmed in the back, and Cookie was waving at him through the window from the outside of the car. At first, he was smiling and having a good time. Then he began looking back and forth at Cookie and I. He realized that neither of us were his mother, and that his mother wasn't there, and he began crying. It was so heart-breaking seeing that little boy cry! ;_; Cookie and I were going to go up and visit Jihan the next weekend, but she and her husband ended up heading back to Jeddah early. I was bummed out, b/c I really wanted to see Ahmed one last time. 2. One evening, Tara, Cookie and I hung out and listened to classical music. We just had a couple of candles going for the lighting. When each song came on, we told each other what the music had brought out in our minds. It was rather cool. 3. Cookie and I went to see the Alexander movie. I thought it was awesome, and surprisingly, Cookie enjoyed it too. She was anticipating that she probably wouldn't like it very much, particularly if it was inaccurate. But she liked it too, and she mentioned that it was fairly accurate. That movie had SO much hotness in it!!! ^__^ That was another plus. After the movie, we managed to find the car (unlike when we went to see the Spongebob movie, where we didn't find the car for like 20 minutes). 4. Yesterday (well, Dec. 11th actually), Cookie and I drove around for like 2 hours. We listened to some very awesome music (Kamelot and the CV:SOTN soundtrack). We ended up getting lost a few times, but somehow we managed to eventually get home. I loved the Kamelot music; it made me feel like we were flying, or some hopeful feeling or something. It was funny, Cookie had just heard about the Huggies strip club (I think it was Huggies and the Doll House), and coincidently enough, we found the strip club when we got lost. That was strange, yet funny. ^_^ Current Mood: cheerful (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 21st, 2004
11:13 pm	Cookie and I just saw Spongebob Squarepants: The Movie!! It was absolutely hilarious, we were laughing throughout the whole thing. The only thing that sucked was the half-baked, weird, unsatisfying, uncreative ending. Oh well, the rest of the movie was funny, hehe. I felt so happy watching the movie, because it's light-hearted and innocent. <:) I feel the same way when we play Mario Party. Well, we finally got a vaccuum. Woo-hoo! I tried putting it together, but I couldn't do it very well. I wanted to rush through setting it up so I could try it out before 10:30, but then I stopped because I didn't want to set it up wrong in my extreme haste. So I'll work on that tomorrow. I'm not feeling so good right now, probably because I had lots and lots of chocolate throughout the day, plus McRaunchies for supper. I have only myself to blame I suppose. ^^;; It was so nice seeing my friends this weekend!! My work schedule is completely opposite to their's, so whenever I get home, they're already in bed. Anyways, I'd write more, but I'm tired-ed now. -.- zz zz (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 16th, 2004
10:02 am	Work and play, but mostly work. The other day, Cookie, Julie, Paul and I went to the Symposium for some dessert. The brownie I had was revolting; I think it was on its way out. And Cookie really didn't enjoy her cheesecake either. Luckily Paul and Julie liked their desserts (although Julie's cake was so sweet she could barely even eat half of it). Julie went home right after, since she worked a 12 hour shift and had to get up and do it all again the next day. x_x Cookie, Paul and I played Yoshi on Paul's original Nintendo! It was really fun. I ate lots and lots and lots of Viva Puffs. ^^;; My new job has been going well. The only problem I have is that I got the 2 till 10 shift, even though I said I could only work until 9pm. My work is located right downtown, and that neighbourhood isn't a safe place to be after dark. I've been nervous to catch my bus after work, because the bus stop is 2 blocks away. Elaine, a girl I work with, has walked with me up to my bus stop the past few days (she catches the bus stop that's just across the road from mine). I'm really thankful that she takes the bus on the same street as me. The 2 girls who do the schedule have been acting very coldly towards me, since I DARED to ask them to change my schedule. I have a feeling that getting my schedule changed is going to be a long, drawn-out process that I'll inevitably lose anyway. But I guess I'll just have to see what happens. (Comment on this)
Friday, November 12th, 2004
12:28 am	Mists settling around my heart. Well, it was Holly's 23rd birthday on Wednesday. I didn't get to talk to her for long, since I (thought I) had an interview at RIM before my 8 hr Arvado shift. She really liked the present our Mom got her: a wireless internet card for her iBook! I sent her an insulting birthday card; I hope she gets it soon. :D I heard from our Mom that Holly had a good birthday. I'm so glad Holly has a boyfriend and a decent relationship with him, so she has someone who cares about her and supports her since she's far away from her family. I've been feeling blue today for no apparent reason. So, I've been trying to fight it because I have better things to do than let negative thoughts get to me. :P I'm trying to stay focussed on the present, while making tentative plans for the future. My plan: to save up and live in England or abroad for a year or too, so I experience a change of scenery at some point in my life. I don't really know why I want to go to England. It's probably the same as here, only way more crowded. Plus it's even more damp there than it is here. I'm surprised I'm not more drawn to Australia or New Zealand - the weather is warmer and their accents are sexy! But I've wanted to go to England for years for some reason. But when it comes right down to it, I don't really want to go to England or anywhere else. I just want to be with my family and friends. But I feel very restless and I want to leave where I'm at. I want to live near my family so I can be with them, but I don't want to live in my hometown. Despite the fact that my good memories out-weigh the bad concerning my hometown, I just can't warm up to it. The community there turns me off. And although I really like the physical lay-out and size of KW, and the fact that my true friends are here, I often feel restless and want to leave. I want to leave, but there's nowhere I want to be. It wouldn't matter where I went anyway; I would still feel restless because the restlessness is probably caused by me feeling like I'm missing something. Maybe I'm missing God. I haven't been to Church in ages, and I hardly ever pray to Jesus except when I wake up and before I go to bed. Maybe I'm avoiding Him for some reason... Maybe I'm afraid He might ask me to do something that'll be hard for me to do, or that He'll let the depression take hold and I'll detroy my life and relationships even further. When that thought crosses my mind, I'm terrified. I don't want to be disabled, and have to watch everything deteriorate without being able to try and stop it. Doubts about God have clouded my mind lately. There are things concerning Hell and people that I've asked Him about, but still haven't gotten an answer to. I wish I could just trust Jesus like other Christians. I'm so tired of being afraid; I'm often afraid something horrible will happen to the people I love or my cat. I wish I was sure in my heart that Jesus is watching over me and the people in my life, and that He's got everything under control. I'm so afraid that as soon as I get comfortable, I'll get the chair pulled out from under me. It's hard for me to believe that my life experiences concerning trust have affected me so deeply, that my doubts even extend to God. Well, I can't let those doubts win. I've got to keep praying for more trust in Jesus. I've got to remember that He's always come through for me. Even though fear and doubt comes easily to me, I can't give up no matter what. Current Mood: discontent (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 7th, 2004
9:40 pm	Sista'ly Weekend! Ashley came up and stayed with me for the weekend. We had an awesome weekend together; we played Mario Party, went shopping on Saturday, ate at the Golden Mango, and had a brownie pig fest. Tara and Cookie hung out with us all weekend also. It was great. ^_^ She had to go back to school today, since she has class at 9am. Which sucked. -_- But *hopefully* (if she's not in England) I'll see her again at Christmas. Today, we had a "going-away gathering" for Janaki. Janaki got a job back home, so she'll be moving back there in a couple of weeks. But before she goes, this crazeh girl is going to the Yukon. Well, I suppose it's worth it to see the Northern Lights, but it's still gonna be freakin' cold up there! Well, she'll be back in Jamaica by winter, TOTALLY bypassing the snow. I'm very bitter that she's not taking us with her. >XO I'm really going to miss her. I'm so glad we all got to go to Port Elgin this summer, so at least we all got to have a few days travelling together. Cookie and I took lots of pictures of us all today. Rym called and chatted with Cookie for a little while. She's been depressed lately, because she feels very isolated where she is right now. I wish she could just come back now and work here, since then she'd have her sister and a bunch of friends to hang out with. That's the thing that can suck about travelling abroad: if you go alone, and the locals aren't very warm or friendly, then you can end up feeling very lonely. It would be so cool if all of us could just pick a country and go together to live and work there for a while. Then we'd be able to get a change of scenery, but we wouldn't feel lonely or isolated because we'd all be together. Shame one of us can't win the "big one"... x_x As for the rest of the evening, Cookie, Paul and I have been playing Mario Party. The more people playing it, the more fun it is. :D I wish my family was here right now. I love them SO much and I want them to know that. Well, they do know that, but I want to remind them just for the pure hell of it. <3 It's 10pm now, so I guess I'd better get to bed. I start my new 1-week job tomorrow. I hate the first day at new jobs since I mess up lots. But after the first day, I'll be just fine. I just have to get through tomorrow. That's it for today. Current Mood: Contentmentness (Comment on this)
Monday, November 1st, 2004
9:39 pm	Hallowe'en's over...winter's coming....NOOOOOoooooooo!! Well, Halloween is now over. It really didn't feel like Halloween this year; Tara and Cookie felt the same way. But the moon was surrounded with clouds, so at least it was Halloween-ish. And earlier during the day, the sky was covered with a mix-match of dark storm clouds and white fluffy clouds. The clouds moved fast through the sky - I love when the weather's like this, I don't know why... Probably because the sky is always in action, and the dark and white contrast. Anyways, enough about that. Cookie and I hung out with Julie and Paul yesterday. We ate pizza, Boston cream cake, and lots of Hallowe'en goodies. Then we played Euchre for a bit, until Julie brought out her wax 'machine' thing, at which point we had lots and lots of fun with wax. ^_^ It was so cool, it looked like we were pulling the skin off of our hands. We also got to see some pictures of Julie in her wedding dress. She looked gorgeous, and the dress was beautiful; it has embroidery and beads all over it and sheer straps. Cookie and I hung out tonight, with the Twitch also (he actually decided that he wanted to hang out with us for once, the snobby cat. :P). He was laying on the couch all night (well, other than when he was trying to stick his head in cereal boxes), in various undignified poses. We had a lot of fun playing Mario Party 2...except of course when the computer was cheating. Which was about 75% of the time. But, at least the other 25% was fun. This is one of the best times in my life, I've come to realize. I have 2 of my closest friends living in the building (one with whom I live), and it's so awesome because we can hang out together all the time, & without having to take bus trips across town. Things always change, that's just the nature of the world; but I'm going to enjoy every moment I have with my family and friends. I can't wait for Christmas, since Holly will be home and we'll all be together. :) I'm really grateful to God that I've had this time to be with the people I care most about, and that I'm able to appreciate the time I have with them. (The only thing I need to do now is take more freakin' pics! Well, luckily I finally bought film; now all I need to remember is to actually take pictures when I'm with my friends :P). Today I took an aptitude test for Porchlight.ca (an internet provider). I think I did well on the English/grammar part and the shapes/sequences part, although unfortunately I bombed the math part. x__x;; There were 5 multiple choices for each math question. With every single math question I did, my answer not once matched ANY of the 5 choices. So I mostly guessed my way through those questions. I think I might kinda like to work as a tech support person for the internet. Well, I guess I'll just wait and see what happens. Twitchy's sleeping in his stretched-out position. Cats look so long when they lay like that. He's just so floppy! I love that little bugger. Well, I think I'll try again to make that Puzzle Pirates game work. I REALLY want to play it because, not only is it a cool game, I'll get to play with 2 of my friends who have their own crew. Well, that's all for today. (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 23rd, 2004
1:35 am	A Dream & a Cafe-hunting Excursion. I had a dream about Eric when I went for a nap this afternoon. I remember I was afraid to see him again, but when I met up with him, things were just like they were before. I remember running into him when Cookie, Tara and I were at a beach. Cookie and Tara got to meet him. I remember how good it felt to be embraced by him and to hold his hand. He was making fun of me, about how I was trying to speak Cantonese to him. Weird, that I had a dream like that out of nowhere. When I woke up, I really had the urge to try and email him. But I ignored this urge, because I think it was brought on by remembering things in a "glorified" way. ~~~ Anyways, today Cookie and I played a little more Mario Party 2. It's so nice to play another Mario Party, b/c we've played MP 4's mini-games SOOO much. Although we'd both forgotten just how awful the N64's graphics were, especially compared to the Game Cube. Tara, Cookie and I atTEMPted to go out for a coffee tonight(well, tea; none of us really drinks coffee). We went to Moody Blues, which had a really cool atmosphere (it's based in an old house). But we didn't stay long because the prices were really high: $3 for one glass of guavo juice. Plus, I had to by tea by a potful, I couldn't just get a cup. So we were cheap and decided to try our luck elsewhere. We tried the Plantation/Symposium, but we had to wait for seating forEVer. So then we left and tried the Alpine Cafe, but it was closed. So THEN we just went to William's so I could buy a bite to eat, and then we went home. Our search for a tea place didn't go quite how we'd planned, but no one can say we didn't try! C and T went to Club Renaissance tonight. Every time we've tried to go to Ren, it's always dead for one reason or another. The last time we went, it turned out to be Gay Pride weekend, so the place was dead. Hopefully it was actually busy for them tonight! I'm hoping my confidence will improve as far as my dancing's concerned, b/c I wanna be able to hang out at bars with my friends. Cookie and I are going to see a play tomorrow called Metamorphosis. It's a Greek play and it'll have naked men in it. So let's just say we're looking forward to seeing the play tomorrow, hehe. ;D (Comment on this)
Monday, October 18th, 2004
12:04 am	What an awesome day!! Liek w00t!  I had an awesome rest of today!  Work was lots of fun with Sara and Bernie.  We had coffee, cappucinos, and Timbits.  So!  I'm still VEEEEEEEEEEEEEERY wired!!!!!  *bounces off the walls* It was SO dead towards the end of the night, that Bernie and I ended up playing poker.  He taught me how to play "Texan poker."  I hope I remember how to play for next time. When I got home, I talked to my sis for a bit, then I chatted with Cheryl.  After that, I played Mario Party 4 with Cookie-chan in between doing a load of laundry.  (I have to remember to get my laundry in 20 minutes!) My sister is going to mail me my Mario Party 2 game.  I'm DYING to show the game to Cookie!  I love that game the best out of all of the Mario Parties, because it's so cool that the characters dress up as the theme of whatever board we choose.  Also, there's tons of cool mini-games.  So yeah. I had so much fun talking and laughing with Cookie.  It's the little things in life that matter (well, to me). I'm really lucky (and thankful) that Jesus has given me one of the best gift I've ever received:  the ability to appreciate all of the wonderful things that are around me. Before, my eyes were closed and I was always seeking out things I thought I wanted or needed.  Now, my eyes have been opened and I realize that I actually do have everything I want and need, and more!  My family is alive and healthy; I have the best friends, more than I could ever hope for; I have my cat Twitchy, and he's healthy and Jesus has kept him safe; I have a clean, safe apartment.  Well, I could go on forever. Earlier, I was feeling a bit of loss when I thought of Fairview Mall... I remembered when I worked at KFC and felt like I actually almost belonged somewhere.  I remember Aimee and hanging out with her.  The best day was when Aimee and I were finally working together; we covered our hands in flour and then went and gave Tina a big, fat huge.  That day was so great, I remember, because it was the light at the end of the Sarku Japan tunnel.  I hated working at Sarku, so when I got to work at KFC, I was so happy and I appreciated it. I miss Aimee; I'm worried about her, because she's been depressed for a while.  I want to try and find her, and see how she is... although I'm afraid that she may turn me away.  Well, I should try to find her anyways, because she might not be well, for all I know.  I hope it'll turn out to be positive. I always seem to forget things, including the great times in my life, so I've asked Jesus to hold onto my memories for me. I hope I get to see Sarah (aka Betty!) sometime soon.  Now that I have a job, I can save up to try and go visit her.  I'll try to go for two weeks to make it worth my while and to be with Sarah as long as I can.  I can't wait to see her daughter, and to see Sarah's house and farm.  I really wish I could see her, because I really miss her.  I'll keep praying that I'll get the chance to see her, and that I'll find a play Twitchy can stay so I won't be worried about him when I do go and visit Sarah. Well, I had a great day today (well the 2nd half :P).  I'm glad I got to write it all down, so I can look back and remember.  Well off to bed I go now.  Current Mood: Alive! (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 17th, 2004
4:28 pm	down in the dumps today =( Well, I've been at work now for half an hour. It's been pretty dead so far. I'm feeling fairly blue today. I'm having a hard time because I'm scatter-brained, and I can't quite fix the problem. My memory is faulty, so even if I'm sure I remember something, it could very well be remembered wrong. It's upsetting for me, because I may never be able to become a focussed person because of my medication. I just don't want to deal with it anymore. ~~~~~ Although I wish that I didn't have this scatter-brained, credibility-wrecking problem with concentration and putting thoughts together, it has helped me be much more understanding towards others who have problems. Although at some point, I'm going to have to learn to deal with it. It's like coming to terms with a weight problem you've been battling for years. People will judge you constantly, no matter what, and you'll get not a single shred of understanding. You are labelled as 'a fat pig,' and are automatically viewed (and often treated) like a 2nd class citizen who doesn't quite deserve the same respect as everyone else. Well, I'm going to come to terms with it at some point, and maybe I'll even be able to encourage people who have low confidence about an aspect of their own lives. Current Mood: and determined (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 16th, 2004
2:45 pm	My first entry. I'm gonna start writing down my daily happenings. I think this is one of the best times of my life, so I want to write it down. If not, I'll probably forget it like I forget all the good and bad things that have happened. Today, C and I drove to the chiropractor, and after that we went shopping at the mall. The sky's beautiful today: thick dark clouds with patches of white ones every so often. At the horizon, the clouds look like pink, fluffy mountains. Later, C and I went to the mall to do some shoppin'. C found a cool, flattering black shirt for work, and I found a decent winter coat (that came with a cool free scarf; I chose the blue and green one). After, we went out for some vietnamese lunch. Mmm. We got the same thing, the charbroiled chicken on vermicelli with a spring roll. We were both SO satisfied when we were done. It's so nice to not have a hungry belly. Then we just hung out for a while, and I brought the Twitch upstairs. I love having my cat around. It's funny how the little bugger doesn't do anything at all, but he adds so much happiness to my life. And yeah; that was my day. Later, C and I are going over to visit Tara. Tara rented some "Sex and the City" episodes, so I'll finally see more of the show. I'm going to do my best to be unlazy and go to church. I really need to start going back; it'll help me so much. Current Mood: content (Comment on this)